For years, I battled with an unwanted pornography and masturbation problem that left me feeling hopeless and alone. I truly believed that I was broken and that something was fundamentally wrong with me and that I was going to hell because I liked it and couldn’t stop. I struggled with intense feelings of shame and self-loathing and believed that no one else would or could understand. But over the last few years, I came to several realizations that helped me stop the unwanted behavior.
The first realization was that I was not alone. As I found podcasts like Unashamed and Unafraid, I discovered that many people struggled with this same problem. I found books and psychologists, who had their own podcasts, about others who had made this same journey and the answers they found. This sense of community helped me feel less alone and gave me the courage to keep going.
My second realization was that I was not broken. No matter how I felt, I came to realize that I was not fundamentally flawed or beyond redemption. I came to see that my use of pornography was a symptom of a deeper problem. I grew up forming the idea in my head that sexual arousal outside of marriage was wrong, a sin, second only to murder in degree of awfulness. I believed that to simply find a woman attractive and look at her was the same as lusting. Realizing that my internal definitions were wrong was the first thing that helped me see that with time and effort, I could stop it.
The third realization was that I was worthy. Despite my addiction, I came to see that I was still a person of value and that I deserved love and forgiveness. I soon saw that I was worthy of the love of God. I noticed that God continued to speak to me and help guide me despite me pushing Him away. I learned to separate my actions from my sense of self-worth and to recognize that my use of pornography did not define me as a person.
I also came to realize that shame is not from God. The shame and self-loathing I felt were not helping me overcome my addiction, but rather were making things worse. It was at this point I killed the god of shame and felt a tremendous relief as I learned to accept my urges and feelings without judgment. I came to see them as an old friend who comes to visit but doesn’t have power over me, and to sit with them asking them questions to sort out my feelings and focus on making positive changes in my life.
Finally, I realized that all things can work towards my good or towards my bad, and that that choice was mine. I began to make small changes in my life, such as identifying triggers and, when triggered, to sit with those uncomfortable feelings, and focusing on the person I wanted to be.
By realizing that I was not broken, that I was not alone, and that I was of worth, I found the strength to keep going. I also learned to accept my urges and feelings without judgment, and to make choices that would work towards my good. I am amazed by how quickly the changes came after I made these connections.
- You are not broken
- You are not alone
- You are and remain of worth
- Shame is not from God
- Urges, feelings, and thoughts are not bad or wrong.
- All things can either work toward your good or toward your bad, the choice is yours.
A Man’s Belief 